28.06.2011

Two and a half weeks have almost passed since I graduated and looking back, it actually makes me sad. Here I am, a high school graduate with a cold and jetlag, packing up all my graduation gifts and looking at pictures from my big day. I want to go back to that day because it was one of the greatest days of my life and realising that it is over, is making me cry. I have not understood that I have graduated, that I am done with high school - done with the IB. Such great achievements but yet I cannot seem to process it.

12.06.2011

I graduated two days ago and it still has not sunk in. High school is over, finished, finito. I pulled through it and I actually made it. It was one of the happiest days of my life and I am a little bit sad over the fact that it was over with so quickly. The day after (yesterday that is), I was on a plan to Taipei and now here I am. Have not slept for over 24 hours, so I am already in bed although it is only half past eight but I just started another episode of True Blood so it will be another hour before I will go to sleep.

09.06.2011

I am graduating tomorrow. Tomorrow! I have not got any real sleep all week, so I am exhausted and stressed at the same time. I am truly longing for tomorrow because it means that high school is really over and it is going to be a lot of fun! It all starts with a Champagne breakfast in the park by our school, then we will have a final good bye with our mentor before the principal will speak in our auditorium (boring). To finally end it all, we will be lining up and then running out to all our beloved ones standing in the yard waiting for us. We are around 700 students graduating so it is going to be chaos I believe, altough I do not mind - it is our graduation after all!

30.05.2011

Today I went to turn in my VISA application for my trip to China this summer. It did not go as planned and my mood quickly turned sour! To begin with I got off the bus way to early, so I had to wait for the next one (stupid SL) and then I passed the embassy I was heading to but problem was that the bus kept going for a really long time after that. I had to walk back to the embassy, just to be informed that their VISA Application Service Centre was moved to a different location. By now I was truly pissed but I decided to keep on going until I would be able to turn in my VISA application. I got on a bus, I walked a couple of hundred meters and then I found the building. It was HUGE and it seemed impossible to find the right way but once I did, it all went smoothly. My mood did not really recover though, I am still somewhat moody.

25.05.2011

I cannot believe that I am finished with my finals exams. No more internal assessments, no more exams and no more pressure. Our graduation lunch was held yesterday and it was lovely but I still could not wrap my head around the fact that I am done now. It is a scary feeling. What is even more scary is the fact that I got chosen to be the valedictorian for the graduating class of 2011! I am truly proud and my speech is almost finished but it is still somewhat scary. It is supposed to be held tomorrow at our Award Ceremony and afterward we (my family and I) will celebrate by going out to dinner. After dinner me and my sister will go out to take a drink too, because this is truly worth celebrating!

18.05.2011

Nine of my exams are now over with and I only have two left. Awesome, right? Would be, if I had not become sick with a fever and a bad cold. So now I have to study whilst I just want to go back to bed and sleep all day. So yes, I feel like shit. But it is only wednesday, so hopefully I will get better before my exams on monday. Tonight it's my aunt's birthday, so I'm going to rest a lot and study (of course) so that I feel well enough to celebrate her tonight.

3.05.2011

My first two final exams are today. I am scared but excited! I have been listening to "The best" with Tina Turner for almost an hour to get myself psyched enough even though it is snowing outside. It feels truly terrifying that the end begins today, but at the same time I feel ready. I feel ready to kick some IB-ass! It is a really weird feeling. My sister told me to write everything I felt down before the exam but I do not really know what I feel, it is a mixture of being afraid and being truly happy and excited. Basically, I am nervous. Wish me luck!

29.04.2011

What do you not do to avoid to study? I have cleaned my entire room (it is a big room), vacuumed it and dusted it. I am also thinking about putting in some flowers as my mother thought that it would be good if I "feng shui:ed" my room before finals. I have spent my morning avoiding to study by cleaning every inch of my room, that is how desperate I am. I am also avoiding to take a shower so that I do not have to get ready and will not have a reason not to study. I have a meeting with my CAS-advisor at 3 o'clock and I will get down with studying after that. I hope.

28.04.2011

I cannot do this. I cannot manage. I cannot breathe. I do not want to do this. I do not want to fail. I do not know what to do. I am still hurt after what you did to me but I still miss you but as soon as I do, I think of what you did and I am just hurt again. I am so stressed that I cannot seem to manage to study, at all. I am freaking out. How have people managed to score a IB-diploma before me? I am about to faint.

26.04.2011

I woke up this morning and could not decide whether or not to get out of bed. I got up this morning and could not decide what I would do with my day. I have been up for about 40 minutes and I am already starting to panic due to the lack of structure of my day. I know I have to study and I know that I will but I do not have a plan! It is such a beautiful day and I do not have school anymore, so it is difficult to manage to just stay in. However, I have found a new graduation dress (white with big purple flowers) and I have also ordered a piece of clothing from H&M's Fashion Against AIDS - which I do every year. I believe it is the best collection they have ever come up with.

21.04.2011

Flashbulb memory. It is a theory that we can remember events very clearly due to how emotionally charged they were. Think 9/11, the death of Princess Diana or Michael Jackson. I think we all know what we were doing, where we were and such. It is a striking clear memory, right? Today I was invited to my friend's memorial. On the 25th of April, it was six years ago since he committed suicide. I have a flashbulb memory of the night I found out that he was dead, that he would never come back. It was one of my friends whom told me, his personal message on msn was "RIP *name*" and I asked him if he was kidding. 24 hour had passed from the last time I spoke to him until I found out that he was no longer alive. I cried and I screamed. And I screamed for hours. That was the worst summer of my entire life. On the 25th of April, I will have class for 8 hours and on my way home I will be passing by the graveyard. It is not where he is buried but it is close enough, it is something that can keep him here even though he will never come back. Six years - you are not supposed to want to end your life at 13.

20.04.2011

I know that I wrote that I was exhausted yesterday but I am at least as exhausted today, which I noticed as soon as my body hit the sofa. Lovely sofa. My house smells like apple pie too, so I am satisfied. Today I had psychology and it was really fun, I love psychology. The weather turned out to be pretty warm, so I enjoyed a lovely day - even though I spent a majority (read: all of it) indoors, having class. I am probably going to make my family play monopoly tonight too, as my sister is finally back from Ireland.

19.04.2011

Today I am so exhausted, I have not been this tired since the revision courses started. Finals are in exactly two week and I am excited but nervous at the same time. I am a little nervous about math and environmental system & societes but I am most definitely going to try my best. As long as I will get my diploma I will be satisfied because I will know that I tried my best. Tonight I will just be watching tv-series and maybe playing some monopoly with my father, unless I crash early that is.

18.04.2011

I am so exhausted. I have been struggling with old math exams for the last 2 hours, getting nowhere which makes me very anxious for the upcoming finals. I need my diploma more than anything! Hopefully I will manage, maybe not with top grades in math, but still I just wanna pass at this moment. I probably should get to bed soon, it has been a really long day and I have eight hours of math tomorrow too. And one of these days I need to find myself a new graduation dress as the one I ordered did not fit my curves.

18.04.2011

Today I feel somewhat better. I slept in the guest room because I still do not feel comfortable sleeping in my own room and I slept really well. I had no trouble fallig asleep and I woke up when my alarm went off. However, I am exhausted - 8 hours of class every day totally drains me out of energy. I also have to get up at 5.45 since my bus leaves at 07.05. Yesterday I played monopoly with my parents and it was the first time all week I laughed and actually felt happy, it was a nice moment. Now I have to get going so that I do not miss my bus, I have a new course these coming days so I have to be there early for registration.

17.04.2011

I go to bed, exhausted, and still I cannot sleep. I cannot stop thinking, my heart is racing and I cannot seem to breathe. I fall asleep and I dream about everything I cannot stop thinking about. I wake up long before my alarm clock is set and my entire body is shaking, like when you are freezing, even though I am warm under my duvet. I cannot fall back to sleep, as soon as I get these thoughts out of my head - they are back again. I get hungry but I do not have an apetite so I do not really eat. I go up and I tell myself that I am worth more than this. It is going to get better. But when? It is like a huge monster is slowly eating my life, piece by piece. How do I get through loosing someone like him? Who can I call when I cannot sleep? Who is willing to stay up with me all night just because I am afraid of nightmares? Who will be the one to sleep at my place when no one is home and I do not wanna sleep alone?
No one, that is who. I am alone.

14.04.2011

My sister went to Ireland today (her boyfriend lives there) and my father is in Abu Dhabi - yes, life is not always fair. So I am home with my beloved mother, even though I am not in the mood to hang out a majority of the time. The only days I do not have revision course, my whole family will be at our summer house so I will not have any time to see them basically. Tomorrow is my last day of high school (unless I flunk the IB, which I cannot) and it is confusing, scary but still somewhat joyful. I received my graduation hat today too, what a lovely feeling!

13.04.2011

It is less than three weeks until finals are here and I do not feel prepared at all but I guess that is the way it is supposed to be. I am attending a revision course during easter break (starting saturday) so I hope it will give me a lot and from the emails some of my tutors has sent, it feels really good. I am excited about it too, gives me some time to solely focus on school and not bother about everything else that is going on. To keep us motivated, our mentor emailed us an Oscar Wilde quote "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars". And right now, I just feel like I am completely in the gutter - now I just need to start looking at the stars too.

09.04.2011

So I know that this hardly counts as a blog since I do not ever (EVER) write anything. School is taking up all my time lately and since no one is reading this crap, I do not feel anxious over not writing. Finals are in three weeks and honestly, I am not stressed - yet. Or that is a lie, it comes and goes. But in this moment - I am not stressed. I am taking a revision course during easter break and the girl (or maybe woman?) whom is teaching me math sl emailed me today and she seems really sweet, so I am glad. And I can also mention that I am leaving in exactly four months now, it is scary but also really exiciting! I am going to miss my family and friends though but I think I will manage. I hope to be able to keep up a more interesting blog whilst I am over there but whether it is this one or not, I cannot tell yet.

22.03.2011

For five years I have been avoiding that place. For five long years. Years of having to feeling disgust because of what you did. Something you never ever had the right to do. But you did it anyway and it destroyed me. Today, for the first time in five years, I had to visit the place again. I did not know if I was going to puke or faint, maybe both? I felt disgusting, as I did that day. You made me feel that way, because of what you did. And you have no idea what impact your actions had on me and my life. I curse the day you were born.

07.03.2011

We live in a society where it is okay to judge people because of the way they look. People seek ideal beauty in make up, diet pills, surgeries and sunbeds because of the retouched version we call ideal beauty. I cannot say that I am any better, of course I have been thinking about diet pills and surgery every now and then but I will probably never overstep that boundary that keeps me from acting. However, I do wear make up whenever I am in school but I am proud to say that I have never used a sunbed and I know that I never will. This makes me wonder - why is there a need within me to justify myself? Why am I ashamed of following the norms of our society regarding beauty? I am ashamed because the way we view beauty today is awful. It might sound like a cliché but beauty should come from within. Your actions should be the reason that you are being judged, not your genetics or whether or not you have the money (or lack of braincells?) to do dramatic changes to the way you look. Beauty truly is beast.

The Ark - Beauty is the beast

04.03.2011

This is my 55th entry and it feels odd. I write and I write but it is all a lot of crap. And a lot of complaining about a life that I have chosen, I could have chosen a different life. I actually have a choice. That is a big deal. I should enjoy it instead of complaining all the time. Right now I am taking a break from reading psychology, actually thinking about making lunch and continue reading after that instead. I am trying one-day contact lenses instead of monthly lenses (which I have not used in months), so my eyes are getting tired and I find it hard to concentrate. Oh well, time for lunch.

03.03.2011

My entire body is sore from tennis yesterday, I feel queasy and I have a headache. Taking notes on the chapters I have read is also taking forever, mocks are going to be a disaster. I wanna raise my grades but I also want to keep the good grades I already have. And in the middle of all this, I feel sick and I really just wanna take a nap for the rest of the day. It is times like these I wish a was superwoman so that I could study every subject simultaneously and actually learn something at the same time. I have never had such a hard time studying, it is a struggle.

02.03.2011

Guess what? This morning I woke up around 7.30 (on my break!) to play tennis. Me! I have not done anything active for like six months and this morning I went up 1.5 hour earlier to play tennis. Is the world going under or what? Today is the first day of my new, healthy life. We will have to wait and see how long it lasts. Probably not even for one day.. Oh well, if it does not last - at least I tried. Right now I am taking a break from my very busy day. Ehum, so far I have played tennis, finished my Environmental System & Societes book and yes, that is it. But I am reading some more psychology after this, then going to a meeting and after I get back I will have a lot things to do before I am going to study math. Most of my "things" and "meetings" are confidential, therefore I cannot say more than this. But it is going to be a busy day.

01.03.2011

Next week I have my mock exams, eleven exams during five days and I have four exams during the thursday alone. It is going to be hell week! Yesterday I spent 7 hours on studying but today I am aiming at six hours instead. But studying can be SO boring, you know? Especially the subjects you do not like, for example Environmental System & Societes. It is the worst! Takes forever to read, I do not feel like I am learning anything and the chapters are very long too. Now my phoned beeped, time to study..

27.02.2011

I know that I should be writing about all the extremely horrible things that are going on around the world but honestly, I am stunned. And not in the good way, I do not know what to say. Words are not enough to describe the horrible situation that Libya is in right now. I mean, people are dying in brutal ways and here am I, eating a doughnut for breakfast. I will never be able to put myself in their shoes (mentally, that is) because it is too horrifying.

23.02.2011

Once again I am blogging from my phone by using the app "Blogger-droid". I am in Swedish class but no one cared to show and our teacher is in South Africa, so I am the only one here. Still watching the same play as I did monday. I would like to say that it is an interesting play but it is rather odd. When I am not here I am finishing up internal assessments and in filling in applications for being an au pair. SO much paperwork!

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21.02.2011

Right now I'm sitting in school and watching "natten är dagens mor", a play by Lars Noren. So what is new? I am currently seeking an au pair job starting in August. So far no news but I will keep you posted.

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9.02.2011

To give myself a little confidence boost, I am posting an e-mail that my mentor sent to my mum about my progress in school. My mum felt so proud so that she forwarded it to me and I can actually say that I am proud too.

"Sorry this has taken me a while to get round to writing, but I just wanted to send you a quick e-mail to give you an comment on Åse's 'report card' from last term and her situation right now. All of Åse's teachers are pleased with the progress she is making in her studies. She is working very hard at the moment to meet the deadlines the students are facing before sportlov, and we just wanted to let you know that we are impressed with the effort, commitment and organisation Åse is showing in completing this work. While the final exams will no doubt prove to be a challenge, we are confident that Åse will perform well in these. Her determination and focused approach to her studies will hopefully be applied to her revision as well, putting her in a good position come exam-time in May."

06.02.2011

I will be turning 19 on saturday. I have been looking forward to it for months but now it is like it does not matter anymore. Without the people I loved the most, everything else seem so plain and boring. I have came to the realisation that I do not live life to enjoy it, I live it just so that the days will pass. The more days that will pass, the easier it will get. Simple as that. It is like I am in prison, just doing my days until I can get out of here. Until I can leave this place and all the people that still are here.

01.02.2011

For the first time in a very long time, I have an actual goal. I know what I want to do with my life and where I want to go. I know what I want to become and I am actually completely sure. For such an impulsive person as myself, it feels good to have settled at this one thing. My education. In 2012, I am leaving Sweden for a couple of years to become a psychologist. That is my goal. And where am I going? I am leaving Sweden for Scotland.

28.01.2011

What are you supposed to do when your entire heart is breaking? When all you can do is stand by and let it happen, because there is nothing else to do? I know about it all, even though she has not told me everything - I know. I am not dumb. I want to help and I try my very best, but what is there to do when she will not let me do anything? My heart breaks each time I think about what is going on. I want to fix it all for you but I am as helpless as you will let me be. I want to make it all good, I want to say the right things but what are the right things to say anyway? We live in a sick, sick world.

21.01.2011

I have not written at all lately, even though I have wanted to. So, why have I not? School has been, and still is, crazy. I have never ever had this much to do in my entire life. I am seriously getting a mental breakdown where it all turns against me because I get so blocked that I can not do anything I am supposed to! Murphy's law could not be more coherent right now. But tonight? Tonight I am going to cook a lovely greek dinner, paint my nails, watch The O.C. and then go to bed (I have school tomorrow, you see).

14.1.2011

Lately.. Well, honestly I do not know. My mood goes up and down like crazy lately. But in general I feel genuinly good. But at the same time, I feel like shit. It is hard to explain, it is like two sides of the same coin. Either it is the one or the other. But generally, it feels like my life is actually heading places. I am about to graduate the IB (it is about four months left but they will fly by) and I have some amazing plans for the summer. Just to graduate will be one of my life's most important moments and I am really looking forward to it. It is what is keeping me going lately, knowing that it is soon over.

09.01.2011

2010 started out bad and ended bad too, I can only say that I am glad that it is over. This year was supposed to be a good year and even though it started really well, it has not continued as such. The last two days has been chaos and I wish for nothing else than to just leave. Why must it be so hard when all I want is for it to be simple and plain? Anton Chekhov said that it is the day to day living that wears you out and he could not be more correct. My life is tearing me apart.