29.04.2011

What do you not do to avoid to study? I have cleaned my entire room (it is a big room), vacuumed it and dusted it. I am also thinking about putting in some flowers as my mother thought that it would be good if I "feng shui:ed" my room before finals. I have spent my morning avoiding to study by cleaning every inch of my room, that is how desperate I am. I am also avoiding to take a shower so that I do not have to get ready and will not have a reason not to study. I have a meeting with my CAS-advisor at 3 o'clock and I will get down with studying after that. I hope.

28.04.2011

I cannot do this. I cannot manage. I cannot breathe. I do not want to do this. I do not want to fail. I do not know what to do. I am still hurt after what you did to me but I still miss you but as soon as I do, I think of what you did and I am just hurt again. I am so stressed that I cannot seem to manage to study, at all. I am freaking out. How have people managed to score a IB-diploma before me? I am about to faint.

26.04.2011

I woke up this morning and could not decide whether or not to get out of bed. I got up this morning and could not decide what I would do with my day. I have been up for about 40 minutes and I am already starting to panic due to the lack of structure of my day. I know I have to study and I know that I will but I do not have a plan! It is such a beautiful day and I do not have school anymore, so it is difficult to manage to just stay in. However, I have found a new graduation dress (white with big purple flowers) and I have also ordered a piece of clothing from H&M's Fashion Against AIDS - which I do every year. I believe it is the best collection they have ever come up with.

21.04.2011

Flashbulb memory. It is a theory that we can remember events very clearly due to how emotionally charged they were. Think 9/11, the death of Princess Diana or Michael Jackson. I think we all know what we were doing, where we were and such. It is a striking clear memory, right? Today I was invited to my friend's memorial. On the 25th of April, it was six years ago since he committed suicide. I have a flashbulb memory of the night I found out that he was dead, that he would never come back. It was one of my friends whom told me, his personal message on msn was "RIP *name*" and I asked him if he was kidding. 24 hour had passed from the last time I spoke to him until I found out that he was no longer alive. I cried and I screamed. And I screamed for hours. That was the worst summer of my entire life. On the 25th of April, I will have class for 8 hours and on my way home I will be passing by the graveyard. It is not where he is buried but it is close enough, it is something that can keep him here even though he will never come back. Six years - you are not supposed to want to end your life at 13.

20.04.2011

I know that I wrote that I was exhausted yesterday but I am at least as exhausted today, which I noticed as soon as my body hit the sofa. Lovely sofa. My house smells like apple pie too, so I am satisfied. Today I had psychology and it was really fun, I love psychology. The weather turned out to be pretty warm, so I enjoyed a lovely day - even though I spent a majority (read: all of it) indoors, having class. I am probably going to make my family play monopoly tonight too, as my sister is finally back from Ireland.

19.04.2011

Today I am so exhausted, I have not been this tired since the revision courses started. Finals are in exactly two week and I am excited but nervous at the same time. I am a little nervous about math and environmental system & societes but I am most definitely going to try my best. As long as I will get my diploma I will be satisfied because I will know that I tried my best. Tonight I will just be watching tv-series and maybe playing some monopoly with my father, unless I crash early that is.

18.04.2011

I am so exhausted. I have been struggling with old math exams for the last 2 hours, getting nowhere which makes me very anxious for the upcoming finals. I need my diploma more than anything! Hopefully I will manage, maybe not with top grades in math, but still I just wanna pass at this moment. I probably should get to bed soon, it has been a really long day and I have eight hours of math tomorrow too. And one of these days I need to find myself a new graduation dress as the one I ordered did not fit my curves.

18.04.2011

Today I feel somewhat better. I slept in the guest room because I still do not feel comfortable sleeping in my own room and I slept really well. I had no trouble fallig asleep and I woke up when my alarm went off. However, I am exhausted - 8 hours of class every day totally drains me out of energy. I also have to get up at 5.45 since my bus leaves at 07.05. Yesterday I played monopoly with my parents and it was the first time all week I laughed and actually felt happy, it was a nice moment. Now I have to get going so that I do not miss my bus, I have a new course these coming days so I have to be there early for registration.

17.04.2011

I go to bed, exhausted, and still I cannot sleep. I cannot stop thinking, my heart is racing and I cannot seem to breathe. I fall asleep and I dream about everything I cannot stop thinking about. I wake up long before my alarm clock is set and my entire body is shaking, like when you are freezing, even though I am warm under my duvet. I cannot fall back to sleep, as soon as I get these thoughts out of my head - they are back again. I get hungry but I do not have an apetite so I do not really eat. I go up and I tell myself that I am worth more than this. It is going to get better. But when? It is like a huge monster is slowly eating my life, piece by piece. How do I get through loosing someone like him? Who can I call when I cannot sleep? Who is willing to stay up with me all night just because I am afraid of nightmares? Who will be the one to sleep at my place when no one is home and I do not wanna sleep alone?
No one, that is who. I am alone.

14.04.2011

My sister went to Ireland today (her boyfriend lives there) and my father is in Abu Dhabi - yes, life is not always fair. So I am home with my beloved mother, even though I am not in the mood to hang out a majority of the time. The only days I do not have revision course, my whole family will be at our summer house so I will not have any time to see them basically. Tomorrow is my last day of high school (unless I flunk the IB, which I cannot) and it is confusing, scary but still somewhat joyful. I received my graduation hat today too, what a lovely feeling!

13.04.2011

It is less than three weeks until finals are here and I do not feel prepared at all but I guess that is the way it is supposed to be. I am attending a revision course during easter break (starting saturday) so I hope it will give me a lot and from the emails some of my tutors has sent, it feels really good. I am excited about it too, gives me some time to solely focus on school and not bother about everything else that is going on. To keep us motivated, our mentor emailed us an Oscar Wilde quote "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars". And right now, I just feel like I am completely in the gutter - now I just need to start looking at the stars too.

09.04.2011

So I know that this hardly counts as a blog since I do not ever (EVER) write anything. School is taking up all my time lately and since no one is reading this crap, I do not feel anxious over not writing. Finals are in three weeks and honestly, I am not stressed - yet. Or that is a lie, it comes and goes. But in this moment - I am not stressed. I am taking a revision course during easter break and the girl (or maybe woman?) whom is teaching me math sl emailed me today and she seems really sweet, so I am glad. And I can also mention that I am leaving in exactly four months now, it is scary but also really exiciting! I am going to miss my family and friends though but I think I will manage. I hope to be able to keep up a more interesting blog whilst I am over there but whether it is this one or not, I cannot tell yet.