29.12.2010

It feels like my entire head is about to explode and I can not seem to stop thinking about pie. Imagine a homemade apple pie. My mouth is watering! First thing tomorrow I am going to ask my mum to make me some pie. However, pie is not the only thing I am craving at the moment - I am also craving Pringles. I do not know why it must be Pringles specifically but I must have it. Tomorrow at the latest! I will have to ask my dad to buy some for me. It is ironic what cravings you can get when you have not really eaten for a couple of days.

28.12.2010

 

A picture that perfectly captures the essence of my parents. Probably pretty odd to write about them but without them I would be a nothingness. I would, first of all, not exist that is for sure. But secondly, without them raising me I would not have become the person I am today. You know how people say that they love their parents? I love mine above everything. My parents are not solely my providers of guidance but I consider them to be my friends. I spend a lot of times with them and I enjoy every minute that I am with them. The picture above is taken this summer, when the three of us visited London and Cardiff. It was a very amusing trip and I got to experience a lot of new things. Whilst a lot of my friends cannot wait until university, I am actually a little frightened to have to leave my parents. I truly love them, just as they are and the thought of moving out is a little sad. No matter how pathetic that might sound. Without my parents, even today, I would not be shit. They guide me, they listen to me, they help me out, they take care of me. They made me the person I am today. In every way possible. And I can not thank them enough, there are no words to describe how blessed I feel for having them as my parents. I love them more than words can describe.

28.12.2010

I spent yesterday throwing up, so I am feeling very queasy right now and therefore I have nothing to write about really. I just wanted to post this really good song, it is NEEDTOBREATHE with Something beautiful.

26.12.2010

Have you ever wondered what people think when they see your face? If they know how you feel or what you are thinking of? Of course they cannot, I mean, we all know that. But the thought of someone being able to spot that in you, I think it is baffling. Some people have the intiution to see when something is not right, but at the same time - I think we all do, we just choose not to. He was supposed to turn 19 on the 14th and it just makes me think, I am soon 19 too. How come I am still here when he is obviously not?

23.12.2010

For us swedes, Christmas is tomorrow. I would like to say that I am looking forward to it. But honestly? I am exhausted! On every level possible. Mentally and physically. School has been exhausting and my private my life has not been any easier. I am so incredibly tired of everything. To leave all of this, would be the best solution. I know it will not solve anything, but everything would be put on hold until I would find enough energy to handle it. Would not that just be great?
Now my room is pretty much cleaned up and I have to do some math. I still feely like my entire body has been turned inside out from the cruise, so I will probably just stay home tonight. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

In the end

I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

18.12.2010

This weekend has been really slow. Yesterday there was a midwinter party for all IB-students and that was the highlight of my day. The rest of the night I spent with Marcus, doing nothing. Today I slept until 1 (how did that happen?!) and then Marcus came over, because I was supposed to help him with maths. I did not help much since he did not need my help and we ended up making pizza for dinner. Right now I am watching The Grinch and I do want a grinch-baby for christmas!

16.12.2010

Today is one of those days. One of those days when I cannot seem to miss you enough. Almost 6 years has passed and even though I would like to think that it gets easier but I just think you learn to live with it. You learn to ignore the pain and you just try to live. But it does not make a difference, because it is always present. It might not be obvious for everyone to see, but just because time passes it does not mean that the pain goes away. Ever.
You are not supposed to die at 13.

5.12.2010

Yesterday, me and Marcus went to the cinema to see "Due date". I did not expect much from it and it was not that good. Sometimes it was fun but most of the time, I was disappointed. Anyway, whilst I was in the mall I saw a pair of beautiful boots which I have been keeping my eyes on for a while. I will probably write about them instead of the movie, as they made my night much better.

3.12.2010

Thank God I have got you. You see, I have a best friend. His name is Marcus and he is the greatest support I have ever had. I got "dumped" yesterday (not really, as we were just dating but it still hurt) and he was here within 15 minutes after I had asked him to come. He is my ex, so the whole thing could be a little odd but he was amazing. Which is just what I need right now, because it feels like my world is falling apart at the moment. I need support from the people around me and I could not ask for more than what Marcus has given me. Without him, I would literally fall apart. He is the one I call when I am too drunk, when I can not sleep, when I walking home alone or when I am just too damn sad. He is the best and I love him.

2.12.2010

Today has been such a useless today. It is like my life has lost its meaning, I cannot seem to find any amusement in living. So I am trying my best to find little things that makes me happy for each and every day. Today I got called in to the centre for young girls, as one of the volunteers got sick. It will be my first time and I am really excited! That will most definitely make my day. Tomorrow we are going to the theatre, then there is a show in school and I am spending my evening with a guy I like. See? Small thing to take me through each and every day. Hopefully it will work out for me because I really cannot just surrender right now. There are so many things I need to do and even though I am totally lacking motivation, I am trying. But it is hard to do something when you cannot see the purpose. It is as if everything has lost its purpose and I am just trying to figure it out.

1.12.2010

1st of December. The International AIDS day. My uncle's prize was, once again - or as always, given to someone whom deserved it. And as usual, I could not be there. I had to work and it truly sucks. I wish he would be alive, I wish he would be here. For some reason I believe that if he would be alive, I would have someone to talk to. Someone whom would understand me and listen to me. To be frank, I feel lonely and confused right now. It is like my life is falling apart and I am just watching the pieces slipping out of my hands. Knowing that I am losing them but without actually having enough energy to care. Not enough energy to do something about it.

30.11.2010

Tomorrow it is december. Yesterday the coldest temperature in Sweden was -30.9 degree Celsius and yet it was only november. There is a facebook group called '"Man, It's cold!" " Bitch PLZ! I'm from Sweden! You have not SEEN cold!"' and it could not be more accurate. It is so cold that my face is freezing to ice every time I leave my house. I am not kidding. And the winter is the season where you feel fat, pale and unsexy. Another three month of this? Can not wait!

29.11.2010

Lately I have not been studying at all. It has not been on my agenda, even though it has been needed. I am lacking motivation like crazy. It is sad. Soon exam week is coming up, I have to finish some internal assessments and I have my theory test for my driver's license. I need to pass that test so bad! I need to make it, for my own sake. However, today the sun is shining and even though it is freezing outside, the snow is beautiful. Although, around 4 o'clock darkness will have struck and I will feel down and unmotivated again. Lovely, huh? I hate the darkness.

Salty Lips

Salty lips telling lies

Let them talk, let them fantasize

20.11.2010

It is always about her, where ever we go. She does not even need to be there for all of it to be about her. It is like my existence does not make a difference because it is always about her. I do not even know if she is aware of how everything is revolved around her. And she seems to have it all without even trying, whilst I try and I try so hard. But failure seems to be on my side no matter what I try to achieve.

18.11.2010

Lack of communication. I can not understand what is up with people whom can not communicate with the people around them. Do they have some kind of mental break when it comes to communicating, or what? It is driving me insane from times to times. I have a need and that need is to talk. Talking with the people whom I care about. If that needs is not fulfilled for one reason or another, I get stingy. But when the same person seem unable to talk to you, over and over again, it is stretching the limits for my part.

8.11.2010

I am so exhausted. I can not even begin to explain how tired I actually am. My entire body hurts. Especially my toes, as they got broken last year and I think they are healing in a weird way. They are all crooked and they hurt as hell. Painkillers, please. My extended essay is due friday and since I have been working on it for six months, it is a big fking deal. However, I have written 3711 words (4000 words is the maximum) and I am pretty much done now. I need to write an abstract and talk to my supervisor this week, but besides that - I am done. Do you understand how good that feels?

7.11.2010

Does TV have to show programmes about women with eating disorders when I am sitting on the sofa, eating candy and chocolate? It does not make me feel better, it makes me feel very conscious. I dislike it. I just switched the channel, now I feel less conscious. Except for the fact that they all look really good and since I am hung over, let us just say I do not look as good right now. Now I feel conscious about that instead. Great.

5.11.2010

Okay, so I have not written anything lately. Nevertheless, I had such a wonderful day yesterday! My friend Maja and I started our day at a museum called "Fotografiska" here in Stockholm, as there was an exhibition on fashion from 1920-2009. It was amazing! I especially loved Man Ray and Irving Penn's pictures. Then we went to eat lunch and some dessert before we headed to a little concert and signing with Daniel Adams-Ray. It was so much fun! Now my grandparents are coming over really soon and my dad, my grandpa and I are going to the Mc Collection and I am very excited, as I have never been there before. Tonight I am going to the movies with my friend Tobias too.

1.11.2010

So I know I have not written much lately but I have not had anything in particular to write about. So what have I been up to? I just went on a break, our autumn break and I am trying to finish up my Extended Essay. It is almost done, I have less than 700 words left and since the complete essay should be 4000 words long, 700 words is not much in comparison. Nevertheless, it is really nice to finally be on a break! I can stay up as long as I want and I can sleep in every morning. And I can study during the day and hang out with the people I love during the evenings. That is the way my life should be.

New American Classic

See the months they don't matter, it's the days I can't take 

When hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away

27.10.2010

Three days have felt like forever. Is this my life? Spending my days on the sofa? I am bored out of my mind but there is not much to do until I am well again. Although, the thought of spending my life like this is so incredibly scary. When my mum asked me what I wanted to after the IB, I realised that I knew. I want to volunteer. I want to do something with my life, and that something is to help others. I have thought about it but the moment that she asked me, I knew. Finally.

26.10.2010

When I am with you, I feel good. I thought that it would take time before I would feel secure with trusting you but as it has not, I have to admit that I feel a bit freaked out sometimes. When I am with you, I feel secure. However, that is what is freaking me out when I am walking home sometimes. When I am with you, I just want to stay there forever. But there is no such thing as forever, how can I know that this is the real deal? When I am with you, I know that you are the one I want to be with.

25.10.2010

I find it incredibly scary to think about the future. Being as well-planned as I am, makes it difficult though. I love planning but only to a certain extent, as beyond that it just gets scary. Like thinking about what I wanna do after I finish the IB. My initial plan is just to finish it. To actually make it out alive and with some good grades. Right now, christmas is even too far ahead to plan. Whether or not to buy a christmas gift to him, I mean, God knows where we will be by then. Hopefully where I want us to be but at the same time I do not want to risk it or "jinx it". So I am just going to let it be until the weekend before christmas because then I have to know whether or not to give him something. Right?

22.10.2010

As today (or now "yesterday" as it is now midnight), was the yes day according to facebook. Yes I am firm believer in facebook, so I decided to stay positive all day long and it actually resulted in a wonderful evening! After school, I went to the mall with my friend Naida and we took a cup of coffee (or, she took icelatte and I took a chailatte) and then we went looking for clothes. We found nothing but it was a pleasant trip anyway. On my way to dinner with the guy I have been mentioning, my friend Aida called and she told me that the coat I had been longing for - was now in store! So tomorrow, as I have the day off, I am going in to town and I am going to get it. However, back to the dinner. It was so cozy! The restaurant was lovely, the food was really good and the company was very nice. We sat there for 2.5 hours and I had such a nice time. I did not ever want to leave. When I got back home, my friend Maria came over and we decided to watch Narnia. However, we did not finish it as we both were too tired after exam week. Now I am going to get cozy under my duvet and watch Cougar town and Modern family, cannot wait for my three day weekend.

#2

I have a lot on my mind and my plate right now. I am trying to figure out if I am doing the right thing for myself right now whilst trying to keep up with school and everything else that is going on in my life. I am tired of getting hurt, tired of failing and tired of feeling worthless. Above all, I am tired of doing everything I do for someone else and finding it incredible hard to actually do something for me. Seems like whenever I do, things just do not go my way. I really hope that things go my way this time.

20.10.2010

Yuck. I should really study Environmental System & Societes. The problem is that I have read the two books once and almost fell asleep. I refuse to study more, it is impossible. However, today was the day where one was supposed to wear people to commemorate the guys whom committed suicide due to homophobia. It is truly sad that something like that should happen and as I am against any kind of homophobia, I decided to commemorate all I could and I wore my purple Keds. I also got a haircut and I am very satisfied with it. My Psychology exam probably went good, better than the upcoming exams that is for sure. Tonight I have to work and then I am meeting up with a friend, because she is leaving for Australia on friday.

19.10.2010

And so exam week has begun. Swedish probably went better than expected but maths did not and that is for sure! Our teacher had told us to study calculus (but not integrals) and logarithms. We got an exam with only calculus and a lot of integrals. Failure. When I was walking home it was raining and not above +2 degree Celsius, oh so cozy. Today I have to revise psychology and then work at 7, I will try to sleep early as tomorrow will be a loooong day. I have to do my exam in psychology, study for my last two exams, go to my hairdresser, do some CAS, study even more, go to work and then go to bed. Now I am watching "The ugly truth" to relax before I need to start studying again.

#2

Today I erased you. Out of my thoughts and out of my life. The ring, the necklace and the earrings you gave me are all in the trash. Where they belong. Where you belong, if I only could throw you in the trash - believe you me, I would. I have reached a point in my life where I need to decide what kind of people I want in my life and you are certainly not one of them. As Shakespeare wrote (in Macbeth) "There's no art to find the mind's construction in the face". I could not agree with him more, as I had no idea what a horrible person you would turn out to be.
You disgust me.

18.10.2010

Today I have a day off from school and thank God for that. Exam week, for the midterms, starts tomorrow and that means that I will have 5 exams during a period of 3 days. Right now I am trying to study maths, calculus and logarithms whilst watching Sex and the city 2. It is going better than it did yesterday but I really hope I will manage to score a good grade on my exams tomorrow. In the morning, I have Swe A1 HL and after lunch I have Maths SL. I need to kick some serious ass this week, for the sake of my self esteem.

17.10.2010

After bowling last night, the guy I have mentioned, came over. We ate apple pie with my parents and drank tea, a cozy ending to a pleasant day. After that, we watched "Interview with the vampire" but honestly I did not find it amusing. It was brutal and pretty disgusting from time to time. However, as the company was nice I did not mind that I was not paying attention to the movie. His scent hypnotized me and I wished for the laws of physics to disappear so that we could get closer than physically possible. 

#2

Today has been a really good day. It started out pretty weird, since I woke up at 06.20 and had no idea where I was or why I had slept with my clothes on. Turned out I had crashed at this guy's house without realising it but it was fine. My dad picked me up around noon and I went home and got ready. My friend Aida arrived around 2 and we began to study English and then psychology. It went really fine, we summarized all we needed to know for psychology in a powerpoint presentation and posted it on managebac. That way, everyone in our psychology can see it. After we had studied, she helped me with cleaning my room and we just talked and talked for like 2 hours. It felt so nice to have someone to talk to and I have not seen her outside of school for a while neither, so I had a blast! Then we went bowling with our mothers and even though I lost, I had a great evening. Now I am waiting for the same guy I woke up at, we are going to eat apple pie with my family and then we are going down to the water.

16.10.2010

The feeling of waking up next to someone you like. Knowing that even though you just woke up, he will still think you look beautiful. Being able to get really close to him and then falling asleep again, breathing in his scent. The feeling of security and happiness combined, all due to that you are next to him. It is pretty amazing what kind of impact a person can have on you, without doing anything. Wonderful.

14.10.2010

Today was not a good day. I was grumpy all day and then, when trying to talk to one of my best friends, we got in to a big fight. I have never ever seen him that mad! It was actually kind of scary. So that ruined my bad day even more. Lovely. I spent hours doing maths; logarithms and then I had to get to work. Now I am doing maths again, but calculus this time (even worse). Today is really not my day.

13.10.2010

I get stressed because I am not stressing. I know it is ridicilious but since I am so used to always stressing and being stressed, whenever I am not - I get stressed. As a person I have a hard time to relax, so being in the DP2 without being stressed does not really help. However, I have no reason to stress right now. I just finished my psychology paper and my ToK-presentation for tomorrow is completed. I do not really have anything in particular to write about today, did not happen much in school and my brain is empty from pure exhaustion.

12.10.2010

I started this blog so that I could, first of all, post my photos for a photo project I am trying out. The point with the project is to put my interpretation of lines from songs that I like, into pictures. Since I am attending the last year of the IB, that will be my final creativity project. Secondly, I wanted to have a place where I could post my thoughts and thirdly, I promised my friend Austin to create a blog and post his funny comments. Therefore, there will be three different directions of my blog. My photos, my thoughts and Austin's funny comments. I hope you enjoy it.