22.03.2011

For five years I have been avoiding that place. For five long years. Years of having to feeling disgust because of what you did. Something you never ever had the right to do. But you did it anyway and it destroyed me. Today, for the first time in five years, I had to visit the place again. I did not know if I was going to puke or faint, maybe both? I felt disgusting, as I did that day. You made me feel that way, because of what you did. And you have no idea what impact your actions had on me and my life. I curse the day you were born.

07.03.2011

We live in a society where it is okay to judge people because of the way they look. People seek ideal beauty in make up, diet pills, surgeries and sunbeds because of the retouched version we call ideal beauty. I cannot say that I am any better, of course I have been thinking about diet pills and surgery every now and then but I will probably never overstep that boundary that keeps me from acting. However, I do wear make up whenever I am in school but I am proud to say that I have never used a sunbed and I know that I never will. This makes me wonder - why is there a need within me to justify myself? Why am I ashamed of following the norms of our society regarding beauty? I am ashamed because the way we view beauty today is awful. It might sound like a cliché but beauty should come from within. Your actions should be the reason that you are being judged, not your genetics or whether or not you have the money (or lack of braincells?) to do dramatic changes to the way you look. Beauty truly is beast.

The Ark - Beauty is the beast

04.03.2011

This is my 55th entry and it feels odd. I write and I write but it is all a lot of crap. And a lot of complaining about a life that I have chosen, I could have chosen a different life. I actually have a choice. That is a big deal. I should enjoy it instead of complaining all the time. Right now I am taking a break from reading psychology, actually thinking about making lunch and continue reading after that instead. I am trying one-day contact lenses instead of monthly lenses (which I have not used in months), so my eyes are getting tired and I find it hard to concentrate. Oh well, time for lunch.

03.03.2011

My entire body is sore from tennis yesterday, I feel queasy and I have a headache. Taking notes on the chapters I have read is also taking forever, mocks are going to be a disaster. I wanna raise my grades but I also want to keep the good grades I already have. And in the middle of all this, I feel sick and I really just wanna take a nap for the rest of the day. It is times like these I wish a was superwoman so that I could study every subject simultaneously and actually learn something at the same time. I have never had such a hard time studying, it is a struggle.

02.03.2011

Guess what? This morning I woke up around 7.30 (on my break!) to play tennis. Me! I have not done anything active for like six months and this morning I went up 1.5 hour earlier to play tennis. Is the world going under or what? Today is the first day of my new, healthy life. We will have to wait and see how long it lasts. Probably not even for one day.. Oh well, if it does not last - at least I tried. Right now I am taking a break from my very busy day. Ehum, so far I have played tennis, finished my Environmental System & Societes book and yes, that is it. But I am reading some more psychology after this, then going to a meeting and after I get back I will have a lot things to do before I am going to study math. Most of my "things" and "meetings" are confidential, therefore I cannot say more than this. But it is going to be a busy day.

01.03.2011

Next week I have my mock exams, eleven exams during five days and I have four exams during the thursday alone. It is going to be hell week! Yesterday I spent 7 hours on studying but today I am aiming at six hours instead. But studying can be SO boring, you know? Especially the subjects you do not like, for example Environmental System & Societes. It is the worst! Takes forever to read, I do not feel like I am learning anything and the chapters are very long too. Now my phoned beeped, time to study..